five
It was shocking how much of that last encounter she was still able to remember, given the amount of alcohol permeating her blood cells at the time. Catherine had only just left, which wasn’t saying much, considering she had never really moved all the way in, and already Alice was pinned against a wall, sweating gin and pulling Jess toward her by her belt loops. Her hand had unceremoniously slipped beneath the waistband of Jess’s jeans, and she’d delighted in the way Jess was laughing, panting, moaning into her ear.
And it was all happening so fast that she hadn’t been able to stop herself from gasping, “You have no idea how much I missed you.”
“I think I’ve got some idea,” Jess had said, smirking as she slipped one of her legs between Alice’s own.
But even in her haze, Alice had known Jess couldn’t possibly have understood how she’d meant it.
She’d spent a year with Catherine, a year spent desperately trying to rid herself of everything she’d come to associate with Jess and the tantalizing terror Jess made her feel. She’d given up the band, the bar, anything that threatened to put her in the path of dangerous, curious girls like that. But it hadn’t worked. Not for a single second of a single day of it had Alice stopped wanting to feel the way she felt in Jess’s hands.
And then, somehow, Jess had just arrived, as if on cue, and they were back in that familiar, delicious tangle of limbs. Alice’s skin was screaming, her thoughts racing, and yet, the truth had never seemed more clear.
They needed to be together. For real. Starting with that night.
“Come home with me,” she’d murmured, almost imperceptibly.
Jess had laughed, nipping the skin below Alice’s ear. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”
Things started to get blurry around the edges then, and she’d suddenly felt like she’d fallen into the ocean and the only way to the surface was to keep her fingers moving. She started gasping for air, pressing with more urgency.
“No…I mean…stay…here…with me. It’s time now, Jess…it’s time,” she’d pushed out between labored breaths.
But Jess hadn’t said a word, hadn’t reacted at all, just kept moving until Alice had felt her hands, her fingers, her teeth everywhere. It had taken a few minutes for Alice to recognize it for the distraction that it was, and even then, she’d just pressed on, determined to break through to the surface this time.
“It’s time now, Jess. Just you and me this time. Remember?”
Jess had grabbed hold of her forearm then, stilling her movements below. With her other hand, she’d lifted Alice’s face to her own.
“I’m living with Stephen now, Al,” she said, and Alice could feel the deluge of water filling her lungs.
“Leave him,” she’d sputtered out, putting her head down and resuming the work of her hands, desperate. “Leave him.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t, or you won’t?”
She’d known, even as she was saying it, that it was that one step too far. That if she’d just left it alone, Jess would have stayed, definitely not forever, maybe not even for the whole night, but long enough for her to find a way to breathe again. Instead, Jess had tightened her grip on her forearm and pulled Alice’s hand up and away from her. Alice had stumbled forward, her head coming to rest against Jess’s shoulder. She’d felt the dry tearing of the sob wresting free from her throat, and then it had all come out in one garbled, thick-tongued mess.
“Please don’t do this to me again. Please. How can you? How can you do it? Please don’t…”
The reply had come in a whisper that hadn’t fully registered until the following morning when she’d woken up, sticky and alone, surrounded by half-unpacked boxes in that still-unfamiliar bedroom.
“You know I love you; you know I do. Just give me a little more time, ok? Just a little more time.”
