one breaks my body, and the other breaks my soul

All Up the Seething Coast…the Soundtrack?

So…a while back, I accidentally deleted my “All Up the Seething Coast” playlist from my iTunes.  However, it was mostly just filled with depressing songs that helped me slip into the mood I needed to get into to write the story, instead of songs that really fit what the story is/was about.

However, I can say with some certainty that I feel like AUtSC (as it’s lovingly known by the three or four people who’ve read it and don’t totally hate me for the ending), can be musically bookended by two songs, both by The Mountain Goats:

To start, there’s All Up the Seething Coast- obviously.  This song, when I heard it for the first time back in August, is what really inspired me to write that first frantic chapter.  It’s dark, a song about being in a dark place, addiction, and the slow burn of coming down from it.  The song just seethes with self-loathing, and to me, pretty much captures Quinn’s mindset in that first chapter as she begins the painful transition from Lucy to Quinn, the process of trying to kill off the parts of herself that frighten her so much.

And then there’s 1 John 4:16.  As fate would have it, I actually didn’t come across this song until I was about halfway through writing AUtSC and full of trepidation over which course I would take.  And then I heard this song.  It opens with the line, “In the holding tank I built for myself, it’s feeding time,” and ends with the line, “So I won’t be afraid of anything ever again.”

THAT’s what AUtSC is really about, the journey from a Quinn in a self-imposed prison of fear, to a Quinn who is unafraid.  

Those of you who’ve read and enjoyed AUtSC have sent me such kind and thoughtful messages about what the story, and that journey, means to you.  So I thought I’d put out the call for songs any of you may have come to associate with the story in the hopes of compiling a new playlist.

I hope to hear from some of you, and I look forward to seeing/hearing what you come up with.

-km

a little new “lucas”

Hours later, she awoke to the sound her phone buzzing with a message from Vanessa telling her to be careful and stay safe.  She had to laugh a little at that.  She’d tried her best never to let it show, but she’d never felt safe in Ohio.  Little Lucy had been plagued by nightmares, constantly fearful of monsters and other intruders, and later on the leering looks of midwestern men had terrified Quinn. 

But personal safety wasn’t high on the list of Lucas’s concerns, not anymore anyway.  It had taken her a while to realize that no one was interested in messing with a six-foot-three jock, but once she had, she’d found it tremendously freeing.  Now Vanessa was the one who couldn’t go out at night alone without getting hassled, but Vanessa had no qualms about throwing a punch.

There was a sudden peal of laughter from outside, and she looked out the window to see two little girls running around in circles in the parking lot, dressed in matching coats and hats.  One of them flashed a toothy grin in her direction, and she jumped, the blinds clattering shut.  For a split second, she lost her breath, her balance, and she stumbled back toward the sink to fill one of the little paper cups there with water.

It still happened like this from time to time, the sucker punch of female ghosts slipping their way through Lucas’s male body, leaving her light-headed and winded.  It occurred to her that people probably thought Lucas was some kind of pervert, the way his eyes would sometimes glaze over when a young girl would walk past…

in the wee small hours of the morning

thismissofalife:

(based on this prompt from ichosetheredpill, and also possibly an excerpt from my sam and alice story)

the cold metal of the bench stings the backs of her legs as she sits, her fingers idly toying with a fraying seam.  it had been a mistake, the dress.  she can see that now.  but when she had seen it in the store, the red and white pattern seemed so much more cheerful than the plain black dresses she usually wore, and she had wanted to look hopeful for a change.  but all this deviation in wardrobe had done was aid her in her delusions that everything else would be different as well, setting her up for even further disappointment.

 she tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear and checks her watch.  sam should be there any minute.  she’d called him as soon as she’d bolted from the apartment.  he was on his way to her before she could even finish the question.

 hours earlier, he had watched her leave the apartment in that silly dress, giving her only the slightest smirk.  but now, now that she’d had to call him before the break of dawn to collect her from some unfamiliar park bench on the other side of town, she can only imagine what he’s thinking.  perhaps he feels vindicated.  hasn’t he been telling her all along that she was being foolish? 

 but that isn’t true at all.  in fact, the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes sam is perhaps the only person in her life who has never judged her behavior regarding jess.  sure, he’s never really encouraged these little encounters, but he’s never said anything else about them either.   and, just like this time, he’s always been there to pick up the pieces.    

this time was different, though, but she hadn’t told him that over the phone.  didn’t know what words to use to tell him about the violence with which they’d been confronted.   steven had practically blown the front door off its hinges.  and when his fist had connected with her face, she had felt…well…

there was something oddly satisfying about it.  about knowing he knew she was a threat. 

she winces as a cold wind brushes past her face, making the bruise now forming around her left eye prickle almost deliciously.

 

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reblogging from that other place where i used to write stuff.  notes for future installments of sam and alice.